Dear me, 

I didn’t want to write this to be perfectly honest. So much of what was up in the air has now settled, only for an entire new and unanticipated life catastrophe to occur. You live in San Diego. You have a masters. You have a job. You live 13 minutes from Julia. You are single. It’s hard. That’s all I can say about right now. I thought being in grad school was hard, and everyone said being a first year teacher was as hard or harder…but in a different way. And I get it. It’s a balancing act where you’re always behind, you’re always the bottom of the barrel, you’re always just trying to do a good job. And sometimes you don’t. 

It feels like work is your life right now, but it won’t always be that way. I promise. There’s more time for family this year. There’s more room to breathe…kinda. You’re kinda broken and bent and afraid, but there’s so much good surrounding you. It’s just hard and painful to be you right now. That’s all. 

It’s good, it’s bad, it’s unbearable, and it’s hard. But you can do hard things. You’ll be ok, and you know that. But it doesn’t make it any less hard. 

Sometimes the little rope of my life gets wrapped and knotted and at the center of that knot is the answer, or the solution, or maybe just the problem. Who knows. Anyways here’s some goals for the new year, the new age, and just something fun to look back on. 

1. Drive to Arizona: Specifically Phoenix, but would love to get to Sedona at some point. After being in the airport twice within one week for a layover, I thought the city looked real cool. Plus its ridiculously close to SD. Which leads into my next goal…
   
2. Explore more of the US: We did our big Europe trip but the trip to Columbus really made me realize how different California is from everywhere else. So, I want to see more of my country. It also helps that it’s less of a giant affair to travel within the US. Aspirations include Seattle, Austin, Denver, and every national park I can manage. (Which is a rollover from last year, whoops)
   
3. Minimize wasteful actions: It’s great to have a roomie that discourages plastic waste, and it’s just the way we’re all going in this world. I would like to start making small changes to reduce my waste which sounds like every Californian ever, but its true! Things like less plastic, buying less fast fashion, and just being more thoughtful about what I’m doing. 
   
4. Run a 5k: My forever goal, I really just have to bite the bullet and sign up for one at this point. After a devastatingly pathetic run through the Chicago O’Hare airport, I’ve realized I really need to get my cardiovascular health in check. 
   
5. Meaningful time spent: Is this a fancy way of saying I wanna get a hobby, aka bullet journaling?? MAYBE. It’s kind of an all encompassing one about hobbies, and going out to do something social to make friends, and also really just stopping the mindless scrolling that sucks. I hate it. I come home so exhausted but need a different way to relax and fill my time. 
   
6. Read outside my comfort zone: A take on my constant resolution to read classics, instead this year I wanna read outside my comfort zone. Be that in self-help, non-fiction, or a CLASSIC, I read two books that were out of my comfort zone this year (Fight Club and Alice Isn’t Dead), and thoroughly enjoyed both. So lets see if this has better luck
   
7. Be Healthy: Another really vague one to encompass taking myself to appointments, stretching, eating well, and getting stronger so that my back pain and knee pain don’t control me. Just…I have to take care of myself. 
8. Hold Myself to a Higher Standard: I let myself get away with being lazy, with not reaching as high as I could, with not doing 100% or as close t 100% as I can manage. I want to do and be better. In all aspects of my life. 
   

No hefty list this year, I may think of more as time goes by but it just felt right to be a little more vague instead of giving minute exact goals. There’s so much to look forward to, there’s so much to be happy for, I’ll get there in time. 

1. Make time for health: It felt pretty great to get out and just move and mess around with people. I’d like to make time to be active again, especially now that I no longer have my beloved PE class to hold me accountable. 
   
   >>OK, did I do this? The answer is…kinda? I ran a mile every Thursday by force which quickly became one of my favorite things about school! I worked out with Tita during her major health kick, but only when asked. I ran around the neighborhood a couple times and also swam in the ocean as much as my body would allow, INCLUDING SWIMMING TO THE BUOY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. Which in itself should be a major accomplishment. In all, I did ok. There’s always room for improvement but I’m proud of what I did. 
   
   
2. Explore more of the US: Life’s a whirlwind and I had a whirlwind trip last year. I won’t have the time this year, so I’d love to start exploring more national parks, other states, and things a little closer to home.
   
   >>When I said I won’t have time this year, I sure meant it. I had time for nothing, frankly. Went to Santa Cruz, Aptos, Los Gatos, and Capitola, which created a deep deep love with that area of Northern California and possible goal of moving there. And also of course, I journeyed all over San Diego and somehow made this my home. What in the world. I wouldn’t quite say I made moves on this one, but I give myself all the excuses because I was finishing grad school and accomplishing NUMBER 3, HELL YEAH. 
   
   
3. Get a job: Obviously I’ll have to get a job because I’ll have zero money but it would be a good thing to get a real big kid job. I am still so apprehensive about the permanence of a job, but there’s never any harm in starting and changing course at any time.
   
   >>OH MY GOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE I DID IT. After 5 months of intense applications, a regular sub position, and a long-term sub position, I finally got a real big kid job at WCE in CV. All on my own. I could go on forever about what this means, but it’s something i need to remind myself to be proud of more often. 
   
   
4. Buy my parents a trip for Christmas: Ideally, I’ll have a job by the end of this year (see above goal/resolution/etc)
   
   >>I got the job in October and my first paycheck in November and had to pay rent, and these are all just excuses. I didn’t buy them a trip but I def spoiled my loved ones this year, and that felt good. 
   
   
5. Provide more for personal relationships: I’m not good at friendship. I hope I can be better at friendship.
   
   >>Yes and no. I really backed away from my home friends but made great friends down there. Time to continue to make friends and be better at casual friendship. 
   
   
6. Figure out skin care: I like my skin. I wanna keep it nice. And skin care is a fun little way to pamper yourself. When I have a little disposable income, I’d like to get a little better at caring for my skin.
   
   >>Nah, didn’t even try. I was poor and stressed, OKAY? I wear sunscreen every day though! That counts for SOMETHING. 
   
   
7. Find a pair of fucking tailored pants: Seriously, after three failures I just need one damn pair of well-fitted black pants that are flattering and professional and not jeans for the love of god.
   
   >>Once again, nah. One day I’ll find the courage to take those 3 pairs of perfectly good pants and get them tailored so I can wear them. 
   
   
8. Invest in quality items: I’m tired of my things flaking their fake leather off or constantly replacing items. I’m tired of disposable fashion. It will be nice to be more responsible with purchases when I have the means to do so.
   
   >>Yes! With a new job comes money and means to spend! I’ve been looking at things that will last me a long time, hopefully forever. Also I’m tired of online shopping. But def doing well with this one, specifically in leather goods and shoes. 
   
   
9. Run a 5k: Rolling over from last year, people my age are running and training for half and full marathons, I’d like to get my foot in the door with a baby race first. For fun, for health, for a better, stronger life.
   
   >>Nope, my bad. Looking at cool ones in SD and OC for me and Julia and maybe Tita and Dad to run together. 
   
   
10. Read 3 classics: Another rollover, really really have to start
    
    >>I will forever make this resolution and forever be real bad at it. Did read Fight Club though! Which is def not a classic, but something out of my comfort zone. Maybe that should be my new resolution…
    
    
11. Learn/record recipes: I eat well. Gotta learn the tricks of the trade and write them down to eat well in the future.
    
    >> I definitely have had a mixed bag this year. Didn’t do A TON of cooking because I was at Tita’s. Did make real good sushi and an incredible tortilla soup. I’m sure this year will be full of food and cooking adventures in the new place. 
    
    
12. Take more pictures: I like pictures. I like memories. Why not capture the moment and remember how beautiful life is.
    
    >>A lot of my life was in schools where I couldn’t take pics. I made a lot of memories, but they were professional ones that weren’t quite picture-worthy. But still, such fun. 
    
    
13. Be Better. Be Grateful. Be More: As with every year, I hope be better than the year before. I hope to be more caring, more tenacious, more loving, calmer, more patient, and less selfish. I hope to be stronger, smarter, and learn more about life. I hope to be better to my family and show them how grateful I am, even when I’m the worst.
    
    >>I don’t know. I don’t think this is one that can be given a rating or a yes/no. It’s just a good one to remember. I’m trying to apologize for my behaviors more, trying to realize why I behave that way so I don’t act out again. I’m trying, I guess. That’s all.

Happy New Year. 

Helio Basin Brewery
Valley Bar
Cobra Arcade Bar
Paddle/Inner tube the Lower Salt River
Desert Botanical Gardens
Music -The Crescent Ballroom + The Van Buren
Public Markets - Phoenix Public Market + De Soto Public Market
Roosevelt Row Arts District
Clever Koi - Asian Restaurant
Pizzeria Bianco - Pizza
Churn - Ice Cream
Taliesin West Tour 
La Santisima - Tacos
Fry Bread House - Native Fry Bread
Welcome Chicken + Donuts
Stinkweeds - Record Shop
Shop - Bunky Boutique + Frances

“On the first and third Fridays of the month, local organization Artlinkcoordinates art walks and trolley tours of the city’s creative districts. Outside of those days, the historic Roosevelt Row neighborhood is a walkable art hub with murals, galleries, and museums to ogle by day and jazz clubs and themed bars to tuck into after dark.“

Other Arizona Cities Info
Sedona List
Slide Rock

December 28, 2018

I’m not sure how to sum up the past two months, but i’ll try

• Trips on offer up every weekend to rich people houses, to homes of professors we thought were going to murder kill us, to malls, to target, to the container shop, to Fynn’s house twice for a bedside table and a coffee table. Filling and emptying my car. 
  
• Spilling enchilada sauce on our new couch and carpet and buying a vacuum to repent
• Discovering carnival and the wonders of crema con sal with fresh corn tortillas 
  
• Making turkey soup and tortilla soup and larb
  
• Listening to endless christmas music and watching christmas movies as we built our apartment. I am grateful we got to move in when we did, because it has been so wonderful to be festive in our new apartment
• Slowly slowly slowly filling my classroom. Going from 4 to 8. 
  
• Crying in my house, having a house to cry in
  
• Making the decision to say no, even though it broke me apart all over again
  
• Getting observed day in and day out, getting a BTSA mentor
  
• Eating ALL of the Salt and Straw ice cream, including honey lavender and sugar plum fairy, my absolute fave
  
• Having an INSANE thunderstorm that was so fun and so scary
• Dancing in the winter assembly
  
• Figuring out the last week of school and report cards 
• Nearly dying of a tension migraine the last week of school 
• Buying all my gifts online and going way overboard and also not getting ava’s dinosaur which just so happened to be the toy of the year
• Taking 3 days to drive home
• nonstop holiday action once home, so nice to be with family but i need a second to BREATHE 

It has been the hardest time. It’s horrible to have to keep telling people and I’m so raw and sad from it all. And also I haven’t quite fully let go yet. I was, and then I wasn’t. And it’s just so hard to make that realization, and for it to become your truth. I have not been very financially smart or physically smart…or even emotionally smart. But I’m giving myself a pass for this time. Because my world has been rocked off its hinges, and I’m just trying to figure out how to cope. I’d make some sweeping statement about how it was the year of radical change, or whatever, but maybe I’ll let that be its own thing. There’s the end of the year, in it’s messy broken beauty. See ya, 2018

hiddenshores:

“Always it comes when we least expect it, like a wave,

Or like the shadow of several waves,

one after the next,

Becoming singular as the face

Of someone who rose and fell apart at the edge of our lives.”

— Charles Wright, from “Nostalgia”, in A Short History of the Shadow: Poems (Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2003)

As of November 01, 2018. One month after the last update. Here’s the recap, the good the bad the ugly. 

• I went down for an interview in Chula Vista, CA. I killed the interview. I received a job offer. I accepted the job offer. 
• I put in my notice at my school. I told my colleagues. I said goodbye to my colleagues. I said goodbye to my students. 
• I said goodbye to my kindergarteners. And to Irvine, to Fullerton, to Orange County. 
• I went to Santa Cruz. I returned from Santa Cruz. And then everything turned white hot and self-destructed. 
• I have said goodbye to more than I can even bear to say I said goodbye to. Or rather, what has said goodbye to me 
  
• I drove. Down to San Diego. To sign papers, to take a drug test full of ketones, to drink beer. 
• I drove. Down to San Diego with a bag full of clothes and my heart in my throat. To a living room full of mattress, to the arms of people who are ready for me to leap. To a broken little spot in a broken little body, to a broken little mind in a broken little heart. 
• And I started. 
• On the first day I slammed the door into my face and split both my lips open. I met my principal, I met my team, I met my borders and my fabric and my empty empty empty classroom to be filled with my empty empty empty heart. And we put together my first room, (*are putting together)
• And I met my students on the third day. My first four, turned to three, soon to be four again. My ducklings. My tribe. My people. 
• So there’s a start. I’m mostly miserable most days but the misery seems to be waning. I want a home base. I want to experience a little more life. I wanna enjoy the choice I’ve made. And all that extra.
• It’s hard to be even close to OK. Maybe we’ll get there some day

I am so sad. I am so devastatingly sad. And nothing matters, and my life is changing forever. And I am so devastatingly sad. I feel betrayed and like i will never be happy again. This is how I repent. This is how I pay back the years of happiness stolen without grief measured against. This is how we tip the balance. Because I was greedy in love in happiness

What a WEIRD past few months. To summarize, I 

• Finally finished my last UCI MAT quarter. It was so relaxed, the teachers were lovely and it was just a wonderful end to this journey.
• Presented my research (WHICH I FINISHED SUCCESSFULLY) and it was not that big of a deal! By which i mean it wasn’t really stressful. I just can’t believe I wrote and presented a research paper, something that past Mia genuinely would have never believed she could do. I’ve had such bad experiences and anxiety surrounding these long papers and I’m real proud of myself for getting it done. 
  
• Applied to 21 jobs (and counting). 
  
• Attended (1) interview. In SD, which I flew down for and promptly realized I was applying to be an aide.
• Received a position at Woodbury in a PM kinder class. What in the world. Was put in charge of 29 little animals who I already love fiercely, and am trying my very best to teach. We did apple week and I made applesauce/gave children power over a knife so OVERALL REAL FUN TIME
• Had a tire blowout on the freeway, and a tow, and four new tires installed all before work. 
• Went HOME for a week and a half and had the greatest time, really just loved being home so much. It really set things into perspective for me….idk what the perspective is but i have it haha. I just love home and being home with my friends and family. Also I made larb, carnitas, shrimp tacos, chicken noodle soup, guac FOUR TIMES, and a quadruple batch of chocolate chip cookies.
• Have had such a hard time. But also such a great time 

This has been such a transition. I dedicated my life to that program for 14 months, and now i’m done….and I am so ready for this next big challenge but its not here yet. And I know i have to put the effort in, but I’m just so ready for it. I have cried so much and stressed so much, and possibly ruined my body because of the stress. I have cried at Cafe Rialto and so, so many times in the bedroom of my aunts house. I have looked at condos and apartments and decided it was time to leave a million different times. I have had health scares and car scares and money scares galore. I have questioned so much about my life, everything about my life. But somehow, I’m still going. And I’m still excited. And it feels like the questions I had about my life are clearing up and the decisions I was so unsure of feel like the right ones after all. I am afraid and still questioning, OBVIOUSLY. But I feel like I’m doing it. That big scary thing. And I hope to keep going.